How to make your point at work without making enemies?
Most of us work under high pressure all day. Emails, meetings, unhappy clients, phone calls, more meetings, deadlines: sometimes it seems like a powerful force is bearing down on us, making us edgy and a little panicky at times.
It’s no wonder that squabbles are common. In high stress environments, our adrenaline levels rise and the harder we push ourselves to get over the hump of the day, the more fragile we feel.
Sometimes, it takes just a minor incident to provide the spark for a full-blown argument. Don’t forget to make your point without making enemies
Somebody might leave a door open that should be closed, a colleague has borrowed something from your work area and has forgotten to return it, an unanswered phone is ringing in an empty office – the list of possibilities is endless.
Take the unanswered phone. No matter how hard you try to ignore it, knowing it’s not going to stop breaks your concentration and, finally, you’ve had enough. You stomp over to grab the call and, as you pass people working nearby, you glare at them and say, “Hey what’s wrong, can’t you hear that thing?”
When you’ve dealt with the call, this is how the conversation goes with one of the people you just criticized:
THEM: “What’s your problem? Is it my job to answer that guy’s phone?”
YOU: “I don’t care whose job it is. If the phone’s ringing, pick it up. Why should I have to walk from over there to do it?”
THEM: “Well, did somebody just make you the boss? Who are you to hand out instructions?”
YOU: “It’s common sense, you shouldn’t need to be told.”
THEM: “Yeah? It just happens I’m busy. I don’t have time to worry about another person’s phone calls.”
YOU: “Guess what, me too.”
This pointless discussion could take several minutes before the parties separate, each convinced that they’re right and each bearing a grudge against the other. In some cases, ill feelings may remain for months or even years.
Conflicts like this aren’t always as simple as they seem. Is this really just about a ringing phone or are there deeper, perhaps undeclared, tensions driving this behavior?
You and the others may belong to different departments with a history of rivalry or mutual disrespect. It helps to know if there are underlying issues so that they can be addressed too.
The first task is to identify the frame being used for the other side’s argument. Frames are just the categories our minds use to store, analyze and manage the meaning of information.
To show the simplicity of the concept, here are three different frames that describe an attractive person of the opposite sex who you’ve just met:
- Is not in a relationship.
- Shares your sense of humour.
- Wants to live in another country.
The first frame is about social standing, the second relates to shared values and the third concerns future events that may or may not transpire.
How you arrange these frames will determine whether or not you decide to get to know this person better. If you focus on their desire to live in another country, their attractiveness and your shared values are unlikely to persuade you to think about having a relationship.
But what if you framed only the first two? Finding an attractive single person who shares your sense of humor is perhaps a rare pleasure. Would it be worth considering a relationship if you adjusted your framing that way?
In an argument, you’ll encounter people who are stuck in a certain position. The dispute about the ringing phone was framed like this:
YOU: It’s a lot of trouble to walk along the passage to answer someone else’s phone.
THEM: We’re too busy to answer someone else’s phone.
You and your co-workers are almost in the same frame. How do you get them to change? Believe it or not, you don’t. You’re the one who has to change frames.
Make your point without making enemies
In a recent study, behavioral scientists Matthew Feinburg and Robb Willer concluded that to win someone to your position, don’t try it by challenging their beliefs. Empathize with them, which is sometimes awkward, then link their beliefs to your arguments.
Try this approach:
“Whoo, I see you guys are really busy. I know it’s always a grind at the end of the month. I’m under the whip too. These unanswered phones are a pain aren’t they. None of us has time to waste on other people’s calls but, hey, you never know if it’s an important one, right? Can we work something out?”
More serious disagreements can be managed in a similar way. If you’re arguing with someone who thinks some new equipment you need is too expensive, link your point to their frame:
“Lynn, I know this new extractor is expensive. The import duties alone are eye-watering and it’ll make a serious dent in our capex budget. But if you look at the maintenance shutdowns on our old machine and the efficiencies the new one offers, I can increase our production by around17%. That’ll look good on the bottom line won’t it? And if I think about the loss of production if the old extractor breaks down for good…”
When you feel an argument building, first understand the other person’s framing. Then consider if there are deeper issues or is it really just about the subject you’re discussing? If you don’t know of any unspoken problems, try to settle the dispute by adding your values into their frame and, once you’re reached agreement, it’s worth asking:
“I’m pleased we dealt with that. Are there any other concerns between us that I don’t know about? I’m more than happy to deal with them, not necessarily now if you don’t have time, but let’s meet later in the week. How’s Thursday morning for you?”
Very often, deep-seated conflicts can be cleared up quickly if people improve their communications skills and show willingness to reach a truce.
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